countdown

i’m not even caring about looking at pictures of “inspiration” they just make me feel like shit, which doesn’t make me want to exercise since i feel like i’d never look like that anyway. staring at images of models that are like  six feet tall aren’t going to inspire me, i’ll never have long thin legs and a long thin torso, i’m short nothing about me is long.. 

i’m just going to post several ranting posts of how i’m hating my life and myself. i don’t really hate myself or my life, just one of those moods.

i wish i had self control, i wish i had will power and determination. or that i knew away to get these things. booooo and tomorrow the weather is suppose to feel like 45 degrees celsius apparently so it’s not like i can do anything outsideeee. ugh 

ugh

i haven’t been on this blog in a while, i recently finished school for the summer and moved back home with my father. this is worse than i thought, i’ve binged like 5 times in four days.. my lymph nodes are at the point where they are constantly swollen and i’m feeling worse than ever about my body but nothing has changed, i’m still 110.. i haven’t been going to the gym since i don’t have a job and can’t afford it.. it’s been humid lately and i have asthma so it’s not like i can even do anything outside that’s active. this sucks and there is still three months left of being here and this is the first two weeks.

fuck me.

k

just drunk and pissed binge eating……….. loving life. not. fml i hate that i have a disgusting body but now enough will power to change it

ahh

i’ve been 109 since like the beginning of april, it’s starting to get really annoying because i’m still not happy with my body, i’m too stubby making me look like i weigh more than what i do. i wish i was taller with nice long legs and a slim torso, and had a feminine figure.

TWO WEEKS UNTIL JUNE lets see if i can lose five more pounds, or gain definition the number doesn’t matter as much as the appearance 

Do you really want to give up? You really want to throw all those months of hard work down the drain? You just want to give up on it all? You can’t give up now. Not right now, not when you’re so close. I know it’s tough (trust me, I do). I know how frustrating it is to work so hard then get up on the scale and see that same stupid number looking back at you day after day. But you know what? Fuck the scale. Fuck the numbers. Fuck the people that’ve ever called you fat. You know what matters? Not that number that looks back at you. Not the people that will judge you. What matters is how much this weightloss journey has changed you. You’ve gotten so strong, so determined. You’ve become so beautiful and independent. Have you ever worked so hard for something? Have you ever wanted anything this much? Listen to me. You will reach your goal weight. You will get the body you always wanted. What’s gonna stop you? A plateau? Fuck the plateau. You’ll get through it. You’ll break it, no matter what it takes. Because when you do, you’ll be so proud of yourself, and you’ll know you can do this. You’ll know it wasn’t for nothing. I’m so proud of you- you’re doing an amazing job, and I marvel at how strong you’ve become. So, please, don’t give up. Don’t throw it away. We’ll be the skinny ones this summer - not you, not me, but we. All of us. Stay strong, honey. You won’t regret it.

(via dietandcigarettes)

waaah

i really wanted to lose five pounds by this weekend because i’m going shopping for a whole new wardrobe, boooo. (i obviously didn’t lose the weight hahah) i don’t want to buy the clothes like a size that’s tight and have to wait to wear them, or never wear them.. i feel like i’m at a never ending plateau. or i don’t want to buy them fitting and have them too big later! but i’ll most likely buy them fitting and hope i lose the weight, i prefer the baggy look.. i may be weird but i don’t like the thought of tight clothing showing off my whole bod, i feel like then people can just picture me naked anyways… even though all i wear is tights right now because all my old jeans are too big. 

all i’m buying for the rest of may is like fruit/veggies and lean chicken breast. and try my hardest not to binge on the weekends, weekends are always bad for me. imagine if i didn’t binge every weekend where i’d be? probably happy. my teeth are getting sensitive from purging, i don’t do it anymore but i can feel that there is evidence on my teeth and that scares me, i don’t want anyone to know that my self esteem came down do that at one point.

UGH #debbydowning. also thinking i’m getting sick, my head and stomach feel weird so i haven’t done 30day shred two days in a row, but i still went to the gym and hated life while there.

OKAY BYE NOW HOPE EVERYONE ELSE IS HAVING A GOOD LIFE